Today is my dad’s birthday. He passed away 7 years ago, and while I miss him deeply, I take an abundant amount of comfort in knowing that he is experiencing something now that truly makes me envious. Yet, I would be lying to say that there aren’t certain days, or moments, which make me feel the ache of missing him a little more than others.
I would never wish upon him this broken world that he’s left behind, or the broken body that he’s free of now. But I do sometimes wish he could come hang out for a just day or two. I wish he would have had the chance to meet my nieces. I know that he would take absolute joy in them. I love to picture the delight in his eyes, and the childish grin he’d be unable to contain while doting on them.
I want him to meet the man I married, and spend a day watching football together with him. I want Caleb and Jacob to go fishing with him.
I wish he could see the grace with which Meghan has grown into her role of mother, and shake hands with the godly man that she’s committed herself to. I want him see how selfless Chad is in everything he does, and see what an honorable man, father, husband, and brother he is. I want to hear him laugh with Matt, and see how excited he gets for the things that he’s passionate about.
I want to draw with him. I want him to see the Jelly Bean Machine that Chad made for me for Christmas. I want him to watch Meghan with her girls, and to see her finish a triathlon. I want him to recognize his own sense of humor and sparkle mirrored in Matt’s eyes. I want him to see the ways that he’s woven into each of us, and I want to tell him how proud it makes me to know that I’m his daughter.
I know the value of dwelling in the joy of where he’s at, rather than hanging on the ache of where he no longer is. Still, it brings a smile to my face to wish for just a day or two, bittersweet as that wish may be. And if I’m really going to be honest with myself, a tinge of that bittersweet ache may be due more in part to my jealousy than to his absence; because as much as I long to invite him into my world for just a day, oh how much greater it would be to be invited into his world- to see that what he’s seeing- for just a day.