Thursday, February 24, 2011

Like Wrestling an Over-sized Meerkat

Why didn't I find these steps in any of the parenting books I read?

1. Place baby on changing table.
2. Place one hand firmly on chest while mastering the one-handed art of un-buttoning, un-snapping, un-tying, un-insert verb of your choice here with the other hand.
3. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
4. Re-place one hand firmly on chest while mastering the art of un-diapering said baby.
5. Grow a third or fourth hand with which to Try desperately, but fail to restrain little grabby baby hands from dirty diaper or dirty diaper region.
6. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
7. Place entire forearm across baby's chest in what must resemble some sort of rehearsed WWF move to onlookers.
8. Use free hand to bat away little grabby baby hands, while simultaneously using a wet wipe on diaper region.
9. Wrestle wet wipe away from baby.
10. Wrestle wet wipe container away from baby.
11. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
12. Wrestle wet wipe container away from baby.
13. Curse myself for making the decision 10 months ago to not get the changing table with that which I then considered "excessive" shelving/drawers.
14. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
15. Summon superpower speed in my right hand with which to slip new diaper on and fasten tabs before baby realizes he's on his back again.
16. Move baby to big bed for more space to dress him.
17. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
18. Slip shirt over baby's head in one fell swoop.
19. Remove shirt collar from baby's mouth, who slyly intercepted my fell swoop to victoriously claim shirt as his new teether.
20. Place baby once again in above mentioned WWF sleeper hold
21. Thread fingers of my free hand through shirt sleeve, which is now located between baby's shoulder blades as he has somehow thwarted my sleeper hold grip and is on his dang belly again.
22. Try to flip baby with one hand, but lose progress of the other hand through shirt sleeve in the process.
23. Repeat steps 20-22 approximately 8 times.
24. Successfully assume stance with one hand posed and ready with fingers through shirt sleeve, and the other hand firmly gripped on baby's arm prepared for insertion.
25. Plead with baby to please bend his elbow.
26. Gently force baby to bend elbow, all the while fearing that this may constitute child abuse.
27. Insert arm number one
28. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
29. Repeat steps 20-27 as many times as necessary until arm number two is in position.
30. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
31. Thread my hand through one pant leg.
32. Assume WWF sleeper hold stance while snatching corresponding baby leg through said pant leg.
33. Avoid thinking cuss words after realizing the wrong leg is now in the wrong pant leg.
34. Redo steps 30-32 with all the concentration I can muster.
35. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
36. Redo steps 30-32 with remaining leg.
37. Redo steps 30-32 with first leg, which baby has pulled back out of the pants sometime during step 36.
38. Flip baby back over to face-up position.
39. Repeat step 37 as many times as necessary until maximum frustration level is reached, or until baby lands a solid kick in the gut requiring that I stop to catch my breath.
40. Convince myself that 10-degree weather is perfectly warm enough to go pantsless for the day.

Anyone out there in Blogland have advice/tips/WWF moves that I am unaware of to assist in the changing and dressing of a very mobile and very energetic little boy?

1 comment:

Meghan said...

You forgot 41. Start all over again from step 1, as the sound you just heard indicates that it's time to change baby's diaper again.