"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139:13-16
I've heard this verse countless times before, but never has it struck such a chord with me as it does now. I happened upon it a few months ago and just haven't been able to let it out of my mind since. I love to think about what this verse means for the baby that God is growing inside of me day after day.
From my meager little perspective, it's so easy to feel impatient and anxious and eager and fearful all at the same time when I think about the day I finally get to meet the little boy I'm carrying. It's so easy to lose perspective and think of things on a day by day timeline; one week the baby is growing his heart, the next he is hiccuping as he learns how to use his brand new lungs. Six months ago he wasn't in there at all; today he makes his presence known with plenty of little kicks and jabs throughout the day.
It's hard to explain just how I feel when I step back and realize the weight of these words in Psalms. The fact that God already took joy in this baby's little heart and new lungs, even six months ago when I carried no one inside of me. The fact that God was smiling with each little kick and jab, even before I knew what was in store for us. The fact that God already knows everything about this boy -- his joys, his passions, his strengths, his pain, his weaknesses -- even though I still sit here wondering simply what he will look like -- the color of his eyes, the texture of his hair, the expressions of his face.
It's overwhelming and it's freeing at the same time. It reminds me that this is not just my baby God is trusting to my care. This is the life of one of His children, and He's given Jason and I the unspeakable gift of watching over him and loving him as ours. This is a human being that God has always had in His heart, since long before I set foot in this world. It reminds me that God has every day of this baby's life in His hands, and has all along.
I have no idea how anyone could approach the task of having a child without knowing God. I, for one, could never rest easy in the knowledge that this baby's life was dependent on only my strength and performance as a mother. No, I am much happier taking comfort in the fact that his life is, and always has been, in the hands of a perfect Father.